Infidelity And How It Affects Marriage, Children And Families - Diane Rehm
When the topic of infidelity spills into our daily dose of media, we may say we saw Without even meaning to, we learn details, names, sources and suspicions. When performing a dose-response curve, most investigators measure relationship to define the response one way for the zero dose and. Dose-Effect Relationship. Effect = Maximal effect • [Drug] Identify the therapeutic dose/concentration; Define site of drug action (receptor).
Also, what about the increasingly fashionable idea marriage contracts which spell out and tailor expectations? There are many transgressions associated with infidelity: Breaking marriage vows, lying, robbing a family and spouse out of time and emotional energy that is rightfully theirs. Even after affairs are discovered, there are layers of deceit that must be dealt with. What does forgiveness look like?
First, if you have a chance, check out my blog post about apology. Forgiveness is a necessary last step in healing before a couple can begin to move their marriage forward.
Sometimes it can take a long time, if ever, to materialize. Holding on to anger and resentment builds up inside you, acting as a poison both to you and the marriage. Studies show people who can forgive are happier, healthier and less prone to depression. For as long as there has been marriage there has been infidelity. Not only can it destroy a marriage, it can hurt children and parent-child relationships.
The good news is that many marriages survive, and can even become stronger. Joining me in the studio to talk about infidelity, Dr. He's a clinical psychiatrist and author of a new book on infidelity, and Lindsey Hoskins, a marriage and family therapist. Do join us,send us your email to drshow wamu.
10 facts about infidelity |
And good morning to all of you. And Carolyn Hax, I can see you clearly on Skype, and we'll carry on our conversation as though you were right here in the studio. Haltzman, it seems to be that defining infidelity can by almost in the eye of the beholder. You could have people who within a marriage engage in sexual activity outside a marriage. You could have people who engage in an emotional affair.
How do you define infidelity? So the range is quite broad. I think we can all understand that if you go to your neighbor's house and your spouse is in bed with that neighbor, that's infidelity. But there are obviously broader ranges of definitions of infidelity, and it's been broadening, I think, over the last couple -- probably the last 10, 15 years because of the Internet, and because of the use of text messaging and instant messaging. Very frequently, definition of infidelity is in the eye of the person who is not having the affair.
So for instance, somebody could be having a very close emotional connection with someone at work, talking all the time, texting each other afterwards, sharing personal things about the family, but never had had sex with that person, and their partner may say, wait a minute.
This is a betrayal of our marital vows. And so I'm calling it infidelity. His new book is titled "The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. Sometimes, you know, there's a need that's not being met in the relationship. Sometimes someone comes along who brings something to the table that is new and different and exciting. You know, people feel powerful or attractive or different things that, you know, different things that feel really good that maybe they're not feeling on a daily basis in their marriage.
And so, you know, there's all kind of different reasons, as many as there are different people that have affairs. How do you see it? Why do people cheat? I mean, it's -- it offers really the one thing that almost no marriage can offer, which is newness.
I mean, it's just -- if you have a solid marriage, you are living in the familiarity. And we human beings have a funny relationship with familiarity. We want it, we crave it, but every once in a while we just want to push it out of the car and we do incredibly stupid things. However -- and so what we're talking about here in needs.
What are the internal needs of a person who goes off and has an affair? But I also think that infidelity is a combination of factors, because we all have needs, and everybody that's in a marriage is going to turn around at one point or another and say, all of my needs aren't being met.
As a matter of fact, they'll probably turn around every single day and say that. So it's a combination of other factors as well. So it's something I called disinhibition. So if you have this need, and on top of which there is an opportunity to have an affair and you cannot control your impulses, bam, you've not just moved into the territory of having an affair. What do they say to you as to what they're thinking, what they're feeling, and what their emotional state is at that time?
It's much more rare that I get someone who's thinking about having an affair, although that could happen. Generally, the emotions that they bring with them are guilt. You know, if their partner has found out about the affair, they feel very guilty about that. They feel bad about whatever impact it might have had on their children to that point. They also feel some allegiance to the partner in the affair, right, because now they've developed another intimate relationship that's also become important to them, and so they feel this sort of torn loyalty between the spouse and this other partner with whom they both have what they feel are important relationships.
What do you say to them? I have heard from a lot of people, and over the years they've forced me to change my view of this, and really, what I've come to.
And in fact, I absolutely despite this topic because you almost can't come up with an answer that doesn't offend somebody. Because if you take the black and white view of it, then you have all the people who are living in gray comfortably, and after a lot of hard work, and they say, okay, I've had an affair in my past. I'm beyond that, I won't do it again. Or if you take the gray view, the black and white people get very upset with you.
You're -- I've been accused of condoning affairs, which, of course, I'm not doing, but I'm simply embracing humanity in all of its complexity, and sometimes that means giving somebody a pass if they've done the hard work to get over. And so what I end of up doing, to answer your question specifically, is I end up taking each situation for its own details, and trying to come up with an answer that works in that situation.
And it probably won't apply well to any other. I think that's all you can do. What do you advise that couple that they say to those children? Generally I advise couples that if the children don't already know about the affair, or if they're not likely to find out about it elsewhere, that the parents don't disclose exactly what's going on. That they can be honest that there's a struggle going on in their relationship and they're trying to work it out, but generally the children don't need to know the nature of that struggle.
And so sometimes, as Carolyn is saying, you don't garnish a lot of friendships, you know, in support, when you say to the person who's been cheated on, your partner is not a bad person. Now, to follow up on what Lindsey was saying about the children and how to begin to broach the subject with them, I think that if you are committed to rebuilding your marriage, and that is so much of the focus that I have, and if you're still in the same home, and if you haven't had a great disruption of your household issues, then I agree that the children don't need to know.
His new book is titled, "The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. And Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for the Washington Post. I don't want to simply call it in marriage because it's far more broad than that. What happens when infidelity occurs. Can a relationship be mended? Can two people come back together after one has, quote, "cheated" or done bad things?
- 10 facts about infidelity
- Infidelity And How It Affects Marriage, Children And Families
- Dose-response relationship
How are children involved? For the most part, wouldn't you, Dr. Haltzman, say that most spouses or partners know if somebody is cheating?
However, the people that are involved in ongoing affairs, in other words if somebody is going out to conventions, you know, once a year and goes to the bar and meet somebody there, their partners may not ever find out about it. There's a double-edged sword about the electronic communications that we have in our nation now. So let's say you go off, you meet an old high school girlfriend or high school boyfriend at a convention in your hometown.
Well, 20 years ago, you would have met then, you might have thought about flirting and that would it. It wasn't likely that they were going to call your home or send you an email or send you mail. At the flip side of that is electronic communications makes it easy for us to discover affairs. And I figure that if someone like General Petraeus can't keep an affair secret when he's head of the CIA, then it's unlikely that you're going to be able to keep an affair secret. And so much of that person's disposition and, oddly enough, that person's view of infidelity plays into whether that's going to be discovered.
For example, there are a lot of people who are of the black and white variety I was talking about before. The, you know, if you so much as look at somebody funny, I'm out of here. But I think also ironically they make themselves more easily deceived because they live in this illusion that there is such a thing as an absolute, where there is right and there is wrong. And they'll tell themselves that they are on the side of right and fail to see other evidence, if that makes sense.DOSE RESPONSE RELATIONSHIP PART 1 basic by BHU student
And of course you never just know, there's no never. And I think people who are more comfortable with grey are actually more capable of picking up on the subtleties of somebody losing their attention. Human beings have three primary brain systems related to love. These three basic neural systems interact with one another and other brain systems in myriad flexible, combinatorial patterns to provide the range of motivations, emotions and behaviors necessary to orchestrate our complex human reproductive strategy.
But this brain architecture makes it biologically possible to express deep feelings of attachment for one partner, while one feels intense romantic love for another individual, while one feels the sex drive for even more extra-dyadic partners.
Why We Loveby Helen Fisher 4. Infidelity has been a reality across cultures. It was also common among the classical Greeks and Romans, pre-industrial Europeans, historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus and among the traditional Inuit of the arctic, Kuikuru of the jungles of Brazil, Kofyar of Nigeria, Turu of Tanzania and many other tribal societies.
Isn't it 'cheating' to enter a low concentration, rather than zero, for dose-response curves?
There are different types of infidelity. Researchers have broadened the definition of infidelity to include sexual infidelity sexual exchange with no romantic involvementromantic infidelity romantic exchanges with no sexual involvement and sexual and romantic involvement.
Myriad psychological, cultural and economic variables play a role in the frequency and expression of infidelity. But one thing is clear: Mate poaching is a pronounced trend. Mate poaching is also common in 30 other cultures. The Dangerous Passionby David M.
Studies show the possibility of a gene that correlates to infidelity. InWalum and colleagues investigated whether the various genes affect pair-bonding behavior in humans; couples were examined; all had been married or co-habiting for at least five years. Men carrying the vasopressin allele in a specific region of the vasopressin system scored significantly lower on the Partner Bonding Scale, indicating less feelings of attachment to their spouse.
Moreover, their scores were dose dependent: